How freeing would it be to use your out-of-office work e-mail to blast colleagues with the actual, unfiltered reasons you’re not at work today? So freeing! We usually say, “I’m out of the office taking care of a child who is under the weather.” Or, “Sorry, I can’t make it in today, my little one is sick.” That’s so cute, but let’s be honest, the reality is far more gritty.
When your little person pukes all night and plays all day.
Hi, I’ll be out of the office today because my toddler was up all night spewing vomit. There’s so much laundry, pukey, tear-stained laundry, and I’m so tired that I can’t even think about work today. Seriously. Don’t call me. I will not be checking email. My son is fine now, but because he was puking within the last 24 hours, I can’t take him to daycare, so I’ll be home with him all day propping open my eyelid while he throws the couch cushions on the floor and eats a million snacks, which he won’t throw up because, like I said, he’s completely fine now. I’ll return to the office tomorrow, but I will not want to talk to anyone. Although my stomach is feeling a little weird, so I might be coming down with whatever my son had. In which case, I’ll be out for a week.
When you need a momcation.
Yo, listen, I haven’t had a vacation day in 7 years. Sure, I’ve taken “vacations” in the last 7 years, but they’ve been with my family, and we all know that going on a “vacation” with your kids is just doing what you do at home but in another location that isn’t as well equipped to handle the madness. So, today I’m taking a 1-day momcation. I’m dropping my kids off at school and then I’m going back home to do whatever the fuck I want for 6 hours straight. If you need anything, don’t call me.
When you’re so sleep deprived you can’t even Google.
As you know, I have an infant. She didn’t sleep last night or the night before that or the night before that or the night before that. I’m so tired my body feels like it’s buzzing. I’m no doctor, but I assume that’s not a good sign. Maybe it’s buzzing because that’s the only way I’ll say awake. If anyone knows why my body is buzzing, please email me, using small words, to explain this phenomenon. I’ve tried Googling it, but I accidentally fell asleep on my keyboard and woke up with a porn site boring into my bleary eyes. Anyway, I’m out of the office today because I’m pretty sure I’ll get fired if I fall asleep at my desk.
When your toddler has a mysterious toddler affliction.
My toddler has a rash, diarrhea, a fever, and snot oozing out of her nose in a color I’ve never seen before. It’s brownish greenish yellowish and seeping out of her nose like ecktoplasm. Seriously, it’s disgusting. The rash is everywhere. The fever comes and goes. I’m thinking of wrapping her in plastic wrap to contain the diarrhea. The doctor suspects she has a childhood illness, which I assume is the toddler plague. She can’t go back to daycare until all the symptoms have subsided for a full 24 hours. I should be able to return to work in 15 years because everyone else in the house will have this mysterious illness in three, two, one.
When there’s no school because of a holiday and it’s your problem.
I wish I was able to come into the office today. Believe me. I want nothing more than to drop off my precious snowflakes at daycare and sit in my peaceful cube and stare at my computer all day long, eating lunch while it’s still hot at my desk, uninterrupted. But the daycare is closed for a holiday, so I’m taking one of my floating holidays to pay myself for this actual holiday and staying home, like most people today, because it’s an actual holiday, just not one this company observes. Yes, I’m bitter.